Scenes from a Movie: Kicking and Screaming

Back when I used to work for Stylus Magazine before the site went through an epic collapse, the film section would occasionally publish a feature called “Scenes” where the writer would dissect a specific film moment and discuss what it meant to them. I always enjoyed the articles and feel now that I never took full advantage of the opportunity to analyze some of my favorite film scenes. So, I’ve decided to resume my discussion on film – which was essentially buried when COMACC went defunct – and am determined to resurrect the feature here. We’ll see how long this persists, but for now I’d like to make it a semi-regular feature here on the site (of course, since I’m not posting with the frequency I once was the term “regular” should be taken with a grain of salt).

Rather than start things off with a ubiquitously classic film scene that would cast an unwanted air of academia over the whole thing, I’m opting instead to go with a scene from the most recent movie I have watched which was Kicking and Screaming, the first film directed by Noah Baumbach (The Squid and the Whale, Margot at the Wedding). It’s a film that I can’t believe I haven’t seen before and in fact my roommates were appalled that I had somehow skipped over it all these years. Eh, it happens.

That said, the film is far from perfect – Baumbach delivers his message in broad, heavy-handed strokes and sentimentalizes far more than he should – but it does contain a number of brilliantly written (and performed) scenes, none more lasting than the oddly effective final scene. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie before, there could potentially be a few *spoilers* ahead and it would probably be advisable to watch the film before reading this. However, I will suggest that what I have to say here will likely not take anything away from the viewing experience since it isn’t as if Baumbach takes his narrative in a direction that, given the tone of his other films,  isn’t at least slightly expected. So, use your own discretion in regard to whether you should read on or not.

Anyway, here’s the scene.

After that, the credits roll with Freedy Johnston’s appropriately forlorn 90s pop hit “Bad Reputation” playing and that’s it. There’s no further closure to anything. If nothing else, Baumbach knows how to end his films. The abruptness with which he wraps up his narrative and the odd sense that the lives of these characters extend beyond the end credits reminds me strongly of the qualities the great André Bazin attributed to the success of the Italian Neorealist films of the 1950s. While a certain amount of closure is achieved likewise in the endings of films such as the Bicycle Thieves as in Kicking and Screaming, the entire concept appears more like a snapshot of a larger narrative; as if the audience wandered into the middle of a drama only to catch a small sample of these characters’ lives. Granted, Baumbach plays upon the sympathies of the audience far more than his Italian predecessors and is probably slightly guilty of attempting to make the mundane more grandiose than it should be, but for this one brief moment it all coalesces into a perfectly scripted coda to an otherwise restrained post-College comedy.

Now, I’m no romantic (or maybe I am, but remain in an extreme state of denial over that fact), but the exchange between Jane and Grover left me feeling, well, kinda warm. It’s not so much the things that Grover says to Jane, which all come across as a little labored when you think about it, as much as Jane’s reaction to them; her knowing smile, her awkward yet adorable posture, the way she simply asks “What?” in response to Grover’s intense gaze while fidgeting nervously. It all works so well in getting Baumbach’s point across and one wonders why he didn’t resort to more of these moments earlier in the film. It’s a cathartic release from all the dense and theoretical musings on life (the film is very heavy on the dialog) that weigh down Grover’s existence throughout the film. Jane doesn’t have to say anything at all in response to what Grover tells her. Her body language says it all. And this final scene stands as one of the more effectively romantic endings to a comedy.

Of course, there’s another side to this that gives the whole ending a bittersweet tone. Out of context, the scene appears endearing and almost sappy in its portrayal of two people falling in love. Lest we forget, Baumbach ends his film in a flashback. In the film’s present tense, Jane has already absconded to Prague and Grover, perhaps feeling too proud or too afraid to accompany her, has elected to stay behind and wallow in his own self-loathing. With this in mind it becomes an unfathomably depressing scene accented even further by the fact that in the previous scene (that is, the chronological finale to the film) he made one last desperate and spontaneous attempt to visit her, but was thwarted by his own lack of preparation for such a trip.

Baumbach correctly leaves their future in flux, never hinting either which way if Grover would attempted to reconnect with Jane. In this way, the final scene suggests a number of potential futures for them, but ultimately boils down to two perspectives with which to speculate on the nature and outcome of this truncated romance. I imagine that the option you side with reflects a little something about your own perceptions about such situation. The optimist might view this as giving Grover a reason to make that trip, a reminder of what she meant to him and how her presence in his life helped give him a direction beyond simply wandering around a college campus, attempting to hold on to his quickly fading youth. The fatalist might instead view this as hopelessly lost moment in time, the last fleeting memory of Jane that Grover will ever hang onto. In reality he will never board that plane and will spend the rest of his time reflecting upon this moment, but never attempting to reconcile the affect it has on him by choosing the adult path of coming to terms with Jane’s decision. And while to some, simply having such a memory is better than never haven had such an experience, no one would ever mistake this for a conventionally happy ending to a romance.

How do I approach this scene? Well, I’m not going to reveal that. What you might know about me suggests a very obvious answer to that question. But sometimes you never can tell what a person is thinking and often times they end up feeling the exact opposite of what you anticipate. This may very well be one of those times.

Yikes!

Whoa, I knew I had not updated in a while, but I’m absolutely appalled to discover that it’s been two weeks since my last post. That is simply unacceptable. Let me assure you, I’m still alive and well. While I feel bad offering up any excuses for my laziness, I will mention that I’m currently in the midst of planning for a move, so I’ve been a little distracted as of late. I hope to have some more posts up here in the coming weeks, but for the time being please try to overlook the scarcity of content on the site. However, for those of you dying to check back frequently, here’s a picture of a cute puppy. Hopefully that will be reason enough to visit the site.

The Five Worst Ad Campaigns Currently on Television

5. Dentyne’s “Make Face Time” Ads

Leave it to Dentyne to pull society back from the precipice it so precariously rests upon. They’re right; we don’t get out enough, don’t make personal appearances nearly as much as we should. Damn this internet society that thrives on a sense of alienation and lack of face-to-face interaction. It’s time for me to get out of this Horny Chicago Singles chatroom, grab a fucking stick of Dentyne Ice and get some face time in with the locals. Thanks Dentyne for helping me realize what a waste my life of solitude has really been.

In any other instance an ad such as this wouldn’t ordinarily offend me. For a commercial it’s decently shot and the song that backs it is actually enjoyable. It’s just that the message buried within it is, frankly, a little insulting. Since when did Dentyne turn into this reactionary social entity that has any right to criticize what it alleges are the shortcomings of a society saturated with technology? Jacques Tati they most certainly are not. There’s nothing insightful about this that hasn’t already been beaten to death by pedestrian “philosophers” and self-proclaimed opponents of the modern age.

The ad makes a few too many assumptions about what people do with their lives and wrong-headedly asserts how we should be spending our time. I agree that one cannot rely solely on the internet to forge enduring relationships (something I do not believe actually occurs to the extent people seem to believe) but to vaguely imply that such technological advancements are in any way detrimental to our society is simply naive. And by the way, what does chewing gum have to do with making face time anyway? Are they insinuating that this society of internet nerds are also unable to utilize the far more conventional toothbrush/toothpaste combo as a breath freshener prior to leaving their squalid apartments? Maybe I’m just not connecting the dots here (or connecting dots that need not be connected) but I just don’t understand the motivation behind this set of ads.

4. AT&T’s Rollover Minutes

Advertisers often times think they’re far more clever than they actually are. Case in point, AT&T’s latest crapfest of ads that feature a psychotic mother obsessed with unused minutes. Her dopey teenage sons are constantly trying to get rid of those unused minutes because it’s uncool to hang on to old shit or something, and, in one of what I assume are her numerous mental breakdowns brought on by an unloving marriage, general unhappiness with her shallow, materialistic lifestyle and realization that her sons are cardboard cutouts of what the adult world believes teenagers stand for, she admonishes her offspring for being wasteful of such luxuries. What a total fucking cliché.

There’s a whole slew of these commercials and it’s hard to determine which one stands out as the absolute worst. I picked the above commercial for the subtle (albeit unintentional) racial undertones that crop up near the end (better hang on to those unused minutes or underprivileged black children will attempt to get them from you!) The entire premise is based on a faulty conflict that neither has nor requires any sort of resolution, and in any case, the point being driven home here is totally tangential to whatever marketing strategy AT&T believes it is pursuing.

Unused minutes are largely irrelevant unless of course the amount of time you talk on the phone in a given month is somehow increasing exponentially with each subsequent month. With that in mind, those unused minutes will eventually be wasted (assuming this whole rollover program works exactly how AT&T insinuates; something I highly doubt) rendering the crusade this pathetic mother finds herself engaged in an impossibly hopeless affair. Hopefully AT&T recognizes this and introduces a new series of commercials in which she deals with dark thoughts of suicide and isolation from reality.

3. Stride’s Ridiculously Long-Lasting Gum

First of all, I don’t recall the last time I’ve actually had a piece of Stride gum, but one thing I know for sure, gum rarely retain flavor for very long, no matter what they put in it. But never mind that, let’s suspend disbelief for a moment and assume that Stride gum contains the kind of “flavor crystals,” or whatever the fuck pseudo-scientific term companies use to describe it now, that lead to an extended sense of enjoyment, what is Stride, as a company, saying with this ad? We fucked up by making a quality product, please don’t allow us to go bankrupt as a result? Even if I overlook the logical flaws in the ad, I cannot overlook the fact that the humor, which is essentially what this advertisement leans far too foolishly on, simply doesn’t exist.

What results is advertising gibberish that somehow made it on the air. The fact that these ads are played to death illustrates the sense of desperation Stride must be feeling at the moment. I’m not sure who the gum-chewing market happens to be at the moment. Teenagers? The elderly? Sexual deviants? I can’t think of a single demographic this might possibly appeal to. Oh wait, stay-at-home moms. They’re amused by just about anything. Right?

2. Wendy’s 3conomics

Wendy’s historically has awful ad campaigns but their latest batch of ads, dubbed “3conomics” in order to likely appeal to the struggling new economic atmosphere, really pushes it to the limit.

Take two (occasionally three) hideous and unlikable actors, have them discuss trite and simplified economic scenarios through Wendy’s food items and close the whole thing out with the slogan “It’s Way Better Than Fast Food, It’s Wendy’s,” and you have a commercial that is not only desperately unfunny, but sorta misleading as well. Granted, I do eat at Wendy’s more often than I probably should and, in comparison to other fast food restaurants, yes, it generally tastes better, but to try pitching their menu items as somehow superior to fast food is simply ludicrous. Not to mention that implicitly that statement is meant to give the illusion that the menu items are not only more flavorful, but healthier as well.

On top of that, have you ever actually had one of their 99¢ menu items? They’re fucking bite-sized. The average consumer of fast food probably won’t stop there, opting for one of the far more filling sandwiches like the Spicy Chicken Sandwich (depending on where you live, likely over $3.00) or the Godforsaken Baconator (even more expensive). By the end of this fast food binge, the quality of the food does not justify the cost of the meal and ironically will likely leave you feeling even more depressed about the state of the world and the lightness of your wallet.

1. FreeCreditReport.com Jingles

The absolute nadir of human creativity, the FreeCreditReport.com commercials represent everything wrong and evil with advertising. Horrendously annoying songs that somehow drill their way into your skull. This appears to be an old advertising standby. If you can’t make something interesting enough, making it so goddamn annoying that people have to take note of it. I imagine that the results eventually even out to 50/50 in terms of bringing in business. In other words, half the people who listen to this shit are completely turned off by them and the other half eventually grow accustomed to the annoyances and actually visit the site making the ads a strange sort of success.

It’s hard to say who is immune to such ads and who is not. It doesn’t always work out as one would expect. A good example would be my love/hate relationship with Subway commercials. When the $5 Foot Long commericals arrived this summer, I found them utterly appalling. However, after being exposed to them for a prolonged period of time, I found myself humming the song throughout the day. Then as the months went by, I suddenly discovered that I was eating at Subway a lot. Was it a result of the ad’s jingle? It’s quite likely. The point is, I was duped into it by something reprehensible, but now I find myself trapped in the vicious cycle of weekly (if not, daily) Subway consumption.

I liken it to the proximity effect related to attraction. Say you work with someone who is not exactly your type, but after working in close quarters with them for a while (in the case of the ad, this translates to being bludgeoned with them every commercial break), you suddenly find yourself slightly attracted to them. Spend even more time with them, and these feelings are sure to intensify. In the case of the FCR ads, this person would represent an individual so reprehensible and unattractive that the sexual relations that follow from the proximity effect could only be explained in terms of a hate-fuck. So, yes, there are likely far too many people hate-fucking their way over to FreeCreditReport.com right now. Maybe Dentyne was right. Our society is totally fucked.

… And God Created Oppression

Back in college I took a class that exclusively covered the works of James Joyce. Here I learned two valuable lessons. 1.) Finnegan’s Wake is a phenomenal waste of time and 2.) self-proclaimed Joyceans are epic douchebags. For those unfamiliar, the Joyceans were literary types whose commitment to the texts of James Joyce went past the simple masturbatory attachment most college students ascribe to their favorite authors and instead bordered on being flat out pathetic. They would attempt to recreate the lifestyle Joyce lived. The more privileged of them would go as far as to visit the places that Joyce frequented in Dublin; the less fortunate resigned themselves to, among other things, writing their sad, derivative narratives on bar napkins just like Joyce purportedly did while working on Ulysses. In other words, they felt that by simply living in the footsteps of Joyce they could somehow channel the inspiration that caused this brilliant mind to churn out some of the greatest works of art of the 20th century. What they too often forget is that inspiration has to come from your own experiences, not by mapping the experiences of others onto your own psyche. The relevance Joyce’s work has exists in a broader sense and relates to how he turned the collective suffering of his people into inspiring narratives, not what fucking bar he wrote the Cyclops chapter in.

I mention the Joyceans not simply to poke fun at people I don’t necessarily agree with, but because I think it ties in closely with the same absurd lifestyle endorsed by religious zealots; most notably the ones that attempt to interpret the teachings of the Bible literally. The difference is, of course, that while Joyceans’ obsessive worship of James Joyce is understandably annoying, it ultimately does no harm to anyone. The same cannot be said, however, of those that strictly follow the teachings of the Bible, a notion that makes even less sense when you attempt to dissect the exact teachings of that book, specifically those that arise from the New Testament.

What results from this stringent dogmatism is bullshit like this. This is a great example of how blind devotion to one’s faith can actually influence a negative perspective on life and lead to a more conflicted sense of spirituality. Here is a pastor who has found a way to preach fire and brimstone to his parishioners, going so far as to force individuals to disown disobedient children who oppose his doctrines, while at the same time exploiting them for his own personal gain in ways that are… well, pretty sleazy:

In 2002, three weeks after the death of his wife, Scott, who was then 55, stood before the congregation and announced that the Bible instructed him as a high priest to take a virgin bride from the faithful. A week later, he did — a pretty 20-year-old who a couple of years earlier had been a star basketball player on the church high school team.

Of course, this is an extreme example of the flaws in religious faith and by no means does it apply to the broader sense of Christianity. At the same time, it does reflect that same stubborn obedience to outdated religious doctrines that far too often are used to oppress society, specifically the gay and lesbian population.

The Bible is often cited by opponents of gay marriage. But many of those most fervent opponents of these unions really understand in what context, if any, the Bible actually condemns homosexuality. Often times, people will invoke the story of Adam and Eve as the basis for marriage between a man and a woman. But while no intimacies between two men ever spring up in Genesis, the book likewise does not condemn such unions and using it as infallible evidence against homosexual unions represents a faulty logical conclusion. In any case, the question remains as to what relevance a book written thousands of years ago (by God himself *wink*) has to our current society.

While killing time before a dentist appointment last week, I read an extremely engaging article on the matter in an old copy of Newsweek.  The article puts the argument in such sensible terms, charting out the exact way in which Biblical Scriptures not only do not specifically condemn homosexuality, but raising issues that indicate how the Bible may actually work in favor of gay and lesbian unions. Since many people don’t fully understand where the Bible finds fault in homosexuality, it’s particularly informative to see this argument laid out in such detail, making it all the more discouraging to think that those that are opposed to gay marriage will likely never give it the time of day. Still, one passage in particular drives the point home:

The Bible does condemn gay male sex in a handful of passages. Twice Leviticus refers to sex between men as “an abomination” (King James version), but these are throwaway lines in a peculiar text given over to codes for living in the ancient Jewish world, a text that devotes verse after verse to treatments for leprosy, cleanliness rituals for menstruating women and the correct way to sacrifice a goat—or a lamb or a turtle dove. Most of us no longer heed Leviticus on haircuts or blood sacrifices; our modern understanding of the world has surpassed its prescriptions. Why would we regard its condemnation of homosexuality with more seriousness than we regard its advice, which is far lengthier, on the best price to pay for a slave?

It’s a question of how human beings are meant to interpret the scriptures. If we must take Leviticus at his word, then we must take the rest of it as well. Divorce would then be a far worse violation of faith than homosexuality. Additionally, slavery would still be an acceptable practice and if you’ve read the entire article, you would also have to resign to the notion that marriage itself is a last resort simply meant to curb one’s lustful desires.

The fact of the matter is, the Bible is a collection of parables written by a number of different authors. Not all of the lessons retain the same relevance and, in fact, some seem to contradict others (as noted in the shift between the teachings of the Old and New Testaments). What we’re meant to take away from it are the larger lessons of love, acceptance, forgiveness, etc. and it’s ironic to think that all of these lessons, which are integral to the text, are the ones most ignored when people invoke the teachings of the Bible in defense of their cause.

Now, I’ll admit that my belief in God is tenuous at best and the more I hear from the fundamentalists of this nation, the less inclined I am to put any faith in spirituality, but I still contend that there is an inherent value to the teachings of the Bible in the same way that one can find value in the works of James Joyce without necessarily subscribing to the personal beliefs of the author. In the case of the Bible, it’s a trickier matter due to the scope of the writing, the amount of varying authorial voices and the fact that the text has been altered throughout the ages. It is our duty to disseminate the necessary values, from those that no longer hold any relevance. Otherwise we run the risk of turning into this. Is that really the kind of society you want to live in?

Etched in Stone

By now it has become abundantly clear that Roland Burris will be seated in the U.S. Senate seat. The Democrats have been on tenuous ground since this thing started both from a legal standpoint in addition to a PR one. Initially Democrats such as Harry Reid and Illinois’ own Dick Durbin were adamantly opposed to seating Burris which raised absolutely ludicrous notions of racism. Of course, issues of race weren’t at the crux of the matter, rather it boiled down to an attempt to distance themselves from the Blagojevich scandal (something that obviously backfired) considering that there exists this lingering suspicion that the corruption potentially includes Obama’s cheif of staff Rahm Emanuel.

Whether that’s in any way substantiated or not is irrelevant. What matters most is that the Democrats’ attempt to block Burris has to come to an end. Reid must have realized at some point that he had no legal recourse against this and as objectionable as the person who appointed him is, Burris himself is entirely entitled to the position. This perhaps explains the jarring about-face pulled by Reid not more than a day ago that saw him suddenly praising Burris in overly glowing terms.

This can only further bolster Burris’ tremendously inflated ego. Burris may have the qualifications to be seated in the senate, but his personal nature makes him a less than stellar candidate for this position. A friend of mine talked recently with a professor he works for who ran for governor against Burris a while back who claims he was extremely ego maniacal. Of course, you can’t place much stock in an unsubstantiated claim heard second hand, but the accusations seems fairly justified. I mean, the dude has a mausoleum with his fucking résumé etched on it! Can we not agree that such a thing suggests a certain degree of pomposity? Fuck, I might erect a mausoleum of my own but instead of proclaiming myself a “trailblazer,” I’m going to go with “slacker;” and instead of carving my unimpressive list of accomplishments onto it – in effort to make myself appear to be the person I always wished I was – I’ll just put a picture of my Rock Band 2 avatar in place of my actual photo.

David Micevic 1980-2012 "Slacker, Rock Band Superstar"

Of course, the other big news today is the impeachment of Rod Blagojevich. This comes as no surprise to anyone, including Blago himself. However, the former governor continues to insist his innocence in the matter, citing political issues surrounding his controversial health care plan (which, by the way, was never approved by the state legislature) rather than accusations of corruption. Of course, Blagojevich is right about that… to a degree. There certainly is more to this than simple corruption charges, but it’s not a matter of policies that Blagojevich should be proud of, rather an overarching failure to fulfill his duties that did him in. The vote of 114-1 to impeach Blago by the Illinois House should be a wake-up call that no one wants him around anymore. God only knows who that one vote against the impeachment was and why they felt the need to make it. Perhaps out of sympathy?

Well, it must be that one solitary voice in supposrt of the Blagster that has empowered him to continue to assert his innocence in the matter since only a clinically insane person would continue to fight the charges at this point. Ultimately, Blagojevich can continue to fight all he likes, but much like Burris’ appointment to the senate, it’s pretty much a done deal at this point.

The Sad State of Public Education

Over the weekend I found myself unexpectedly engaged in a lengthy conversation regarding the state of education in this country. Typically topics such as these don’t develop with such detail in a crowded bar with a perfect stranger, but as I’m quite passionate about the subject, I couldn’t help but ramble on about it endlessly. Thankfully, the other party felt equally enthusiastic about such things. So it worked out perfectly for two people looking to vent a little frustration about the sad state of American education.

Personally, I’ve been a little frustrated ever since Barack Obama nominated Arne Duncan to be his Secretary of Education. For a politician so committed to change this choice suggests a complete disregard for reform in America’s desperately disheveled educational system. Over the last several years I worked for the Chicago Public Schools and while my contact with Mr. Duncan was certainly fleeting, the few encounters I did have with him did not leave me feeling confident about his ability to make key decisions impacting the city’s severely understaffed, severely underfunded public schools.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that Mr. Duncan was almost entirely responsible for blocking the funding needed for the organization I worked for to survive. In other words, he definitely had his hand in my eventual loss of a job, but I assure you, my feelings toward him regarding his competence as an administrator are not motivated by this unfortunate turn of events. If anything, I feel dismantling our organization was the right thing for him to do especially considering how desperately CPS needed to cut costs. In any case, my reservations about him have nothing to do with his ability to distribute funding. Such a task is bound to make enemies no matter what, so you can’t hold one accountable for simply doing their job. No, what I find fault in is his staunch reliance on purely statistical evidence in determining the effectiveness of educational reform.

I found an excellent article that goes into great detail about Mr. Duncan’s shortcomings as an educational reformer. Of course, the article touches upon the ways in which Duncan used the tenets of No Child Left Behind to force the closing of underperforming schools. More disconcerting was that he would base a number of these closings strictly on standardized testing leaving no room to view the necessity of these schools in any other light. As the article hints at, the opening of charter schools in the areas where the recently closed down public schools were located suggests where Duncan’s allegiance rests in terms of the gentrification of such neighborhoods.

At this point, I think most educators would agree that No Child Left Behind can eat a big fat scholastic dick and should be done away with immediately. Now, in all fairness, it’s entirely too idealistic to think that education reform can exist without a certain amount of standards-based and measurable goals put in place. But to allow the entire system of reform to dictate the failure/success of individual schools inevitably leads to lower standards across the board or education entirely geared toward standardized testing. This is an absolutely ludicrous way to measure success unless you measure success merely by the ease at which you can pour over and assess the data.

During my heating discussion of this very topic over the weekend, I asked what might be a better approach to the public school system here in America. My friend, who had previously taught English in Germany, brought to my attention the way in which German’s handle education. What’s interesting about the German method of education is that it doesn’t endorse a comprehensive high school curriculum but instead values other forms of intelligence rather than automatically assuming than all students have aspirations toward a lifetime of academia.

Children in Germany start school at the age of 6, and from grades 1 through 4 attend elementary school (Grundschule), where the subjects taught are the same for all. Then, after the 4th grade, they are separated according to their academic ability and the wishes of their families, and attend one of three different kinds of schools: Hauptschule, Realschule or Gymnasium.

The Hauptschule reflects a more vocation-oriented approach to education and usually results in an apprenticeship whereas the Gymnasium suggest a college-bound student. The Realschule constitutes a middle ground between the two, but can still result in a student going on to higher education. I imagine such a system comes with its own set of problems and faults, but compared to the way in which our current public schools assert that a lack of affinity for higher education is synonymous with failure, the German system looks positively revolutionary and progressive.

Of course, education reform is a tricky topic. Everyone thinks they have the answer, but there really isn’t on overarching solution to the ailing state of education in America or anywhere else, for that matter. Obviously more funding would be a good start, but with the current state of our economy and the shit-ton of money being poured into Iraq, education reform has fallen by the wayside.

There was a statement I will forever remember as the enduring testatment to our shitty attitude toward education. It was immediately following the events of September 11th. CNN was interviewing two senators whose names I no longer remember. One of them turns toward the camera and says (and obviously this quote isn’t verbatim as it has been nearly a decade since I heard this), “This is what happens when you take money away from national defense and put it toward education.” Yep. What a fucking douchebag. This should help explain why in this country literally every child is left behind.

Blagojevich Strikes Back

Man, this guy must have some kind of uncanny ability to compartmentalize events. Either that, or he’s simply that defiant that he doesn’t give a fuck what happens any more. The way things are developing, the later seems more likely. Regardless, as Blagojevich sinks further into this buffoonery, so too does the reputation of Illinois politics.

Yesterday, “Governor” Blagojevich announced the appointment of former Attorney General Roland Burris to the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Obama. This news would have been fairly minor had it not happened in the wake of Blago’s epic scandal to sell that same Senate seat. The fact that this is even happening at all should bedevil even the staunchest supporters of the “Governor” (assuming such people even exist).

Any reasonable person in Blagojevich’s position would’ve resigned by now. Scratch that; any person (reasonable or not) would have resigned. But Rod seems hell-bent on tarnishing his reputation further until the smell of shit and corruption can never be wiped clean from it. I know the feeling. It’s like when you fuck up a mission in Grand Theft Auto and arouse the attention of the local authorities. Instead of backpeddling out of it and starting from scratch, you think to yourself, “Fuck it, I’m just going to ride this crime spree until it kills me.” It’s that same devil-may-care attitude that finds Blagojevich digging himself into oblivion. Appointing Burris to the Senate seat is a very clear “fuck you” to the Senate itself, not to mention President-elect Obama who has already made clear that he will not endorse the appointment of Burris. We all know how it’s going to end for Rod (it’s just a question of what path he takes to get there), and there’s little reason to belabor the point further. More curious is that Burris would be foolish enough to accept Blagojevich’s appointment.

Unlike the “Governor,” Burris has something to lose in this. Essentially, by accepting this, Burris has backed himself into a corner where he must now campaign for a position he was appointed to. Even if the Senate doesn’t have the authority to block Burris’ appointment, Blagojevich’s involvement alone should be enough to cripple his ability to function when or if he takes his seat in the Senate, not to mention Burris would carry that same stain of corruption on his political reputation for the rest of his career.

There’s also this sneaking suspicion that the selection of Burris was a tactical decision by Blagojevich motivated by race. In an interview with MSNBC, Burris even admits that his name wasn’t initially in the running for this seat, suggesting that the “Governor” clearly appointed him based on ulterior motives that he assessed would make it difficult for the Senate and the President-elect to block. Whether this is true or not, the way in which Burris is handling his appointment is not reassuring. He comes across just as defiant as the “Governor.” When asked in an interview how he feels about all the people who might oppose his appointment he responded by saying  “That’s their problem, not my problem” (FYI, I in no way endorse the site I linked to just now. It was just the only place I could locate this quote).

Well, I would argue that it most certainly is your problem, Mr. Burris. You can’t accept gifts from a corrupt man and expect to come across as virtuous. And no matter your qualifications, it would be in your best interest to simply walk away from this situation before it sucks you in as well.

Resolutions, Hockey and America’s Shitty Economy

I know. You don’t have to tell me that it’s been an exorbitant amount of time since I lasted posted something here. Let’s just go ahead and blame this whole Christmas thing for my lack of production as of late. It’s probably not the real reason behind it, but it will do for now.

Of course, with the approaching new year and the resolutions often associated with it, it might be time to make a resolution of my own here. So, come 2009 I promise to stay consistent with the posts on this site. Now, I’m not going to get overzealous and commit to one post a day, but if you notice that I haven’t posted in a few days, feel free to intervene and speak up on the matter. I’ll be entirely forthcoming on the issue, if I’m not posting it’s not because I’m engaged in more pressing endeavors; I’m more than likely wasting time playing videogames or watching TV. But that’s all about to change. I somehow have this entire week off, so there’s simply no excuse not to be writing on a daily basis for the time being.

Ugh. Now that we’ve taken care of that little bit of housekeeping, let’s move on to some real issues: Hockey. Yes, New Year’s Day isn’t just about recovering from the previous night’s excess or pouring all your broken hopes and aspirations into a college football team you have no clear affiliation with; it’s now the only day a year you can watch a nationally televised hockey game. Sad, but true (unless NBC resumes last year’s schedule of one hockey game per week early on Sunday mornings). I’d like to take the time to thank America’s idiotic obsession with football for this. Sure, you could blame hockey’s reckless expansion, it’s poor marketing/management or the fact that the league relocated many of the Canadian teams to bullshit American markets like Nashville and Atlanta for it’s lack of popularity here in the States, but I’d rather hold the American public  and football accountable. Honestly, football doesn’t receive enough flak, so at least allow me this opportunity to chuck undeserved criticism upon it.

Anyway, back to the New Year’s game which has been dubbed The Winter Classic by the NHL and made into an annual tradition after the resounding success of last year’s outdoor game between the Buffalo Sabres and Pittsburgh Penguins. There’s a reason why this year’s Winter Classic has a special sort of significance. First of all, it’s being held at Wrigley Field which, despite all its faults and annoyances, is still one of the most historic stadiums in professional sports. Second, it’s being played between the Detroit Red Wings and the Chicago Blackhawks, two of the oldest franchises in the NHL and ones that hold the longest standing rivalry in the league. Lastly, and most importantly, there’s a little more at stake here than there was at last year’s Winter Classic, namely (assuming the Hawks win tonight) the lead in the Central Division.

This is the first year that the Red Wings aren’t going to cakewalk into the playoffs since the early 90s when Chicago last had a good team. But despite being pegged as the greatest team in hockey and the clear favorites to win the Cup again this year, Detroit hasn’t had quite the year they were supposed to. Yeah, they’re in first and are certainly playing quite well, but not in the dominant fashion they were predicted to. Since this post appears to be all about distributing blame where it probably isn’t deserved, I’m going to add to that by not holding the Red Wings team accountable and instead I will blame the generally shitty conditions in Detroit itself for the lackluster (by Red Wings standards at least) performance of the team.

What exactly are those conditions? Well, for starters, the epic fail going on with the automotive industry isn’t helping. Slowly but surely Detroit is pulling away from its title as the Motor City and assuming the rank of Abandoned Shithole City or (given the Detroit Lions record-setting 0 and 16 season) perhaps the Winless City would be more apropos. It certainly would be fitting for a city that can’t seem to catch a break ever.

The economy is bad everywhere right now, but it’s taken a particularly nasty toll on the Detroit area. One need only look toward attendance at the Joe Louis Arena recently to see a troubling trend. The fact that ticket sales are up 10% from last year is a deceptive statistic when you consider how much effort the Red Wings front office had to put into promotions and cuts in ticket prices to achieve that. It’s even more shocking when you consider that last year, prior to these new marketing strategies, the Red Wings couldn’t even sell out a large number of playoff games. That’s simply unprecedented for this organization. Compare that to ticket sales at the United Center – up 300% from last year’s sales – to see just how bad things have gotten in “Hockeytown.” Although, that may be an unfair comparison as Chicago currently leads the NHL in attendance beating out even the Montreal Candiens and Toronto Maple Leafs. In addition, that 300% spike in sales is a bit deceptive as well since Chicago’s attendence prior to this recent resurgence in the franchise was typically near the bottom of the league.

As strange as it sounds, despite the slumping economy, supposedly ticket sales across the NHL are up from last year. Either this suggests that in the wake of all this misery, destitution and failure, people have realized that what they need most is a distraction from their problems or that the effects of the ailing economy simply haven’t taken their toll on the NHL yet. A more alarmist approach suggest that the un-American increase in the popularity of hockey in the U.S. can only point toward one thing: the Apocalypse. If that is the case, I’d like to suggest the new look of the four horsemen…

People I Know and the Animals They Sorta Resemble, Part I: Craig the Bear

This is my friend Craig.

As you can see he has a beard and loves to play the board game Settlers of Catan. In addition to his love of board games, he has a penchant for being grumpy and excessively drowsy. Sometimes when passing hollowed-out trees he inadvertently cuddles up into one.  When this occurs, we might find him days later fast asleep, burrowed comfortably inside the very same tree. It’s funny and, frankly, a little sad as well, but it helps him save money on food as his idle state allows him to conserve much needed energy that will eventually be employed for future board gaming.

Modern technology confounds him. These feelings of awe and befuddlement when confronted with the modern world typically reduce him to wandering the streets of Chicago confused, frightened and hopelessly lost. Once I flew on a plane with him on a trip to Florida and we were asked to get off and not re-board at our layover in Atlanta after he clawed a stewardess to death. Thankfully no charges were pressed on account of his ursine condition being legally recognized as a disability in America, but we had to rent a car to drive the rest of the way and it was super annoying.

These unavoidable character traits of his (which are totally true) have caused me to liken him to a bear.

Makes sense, right?

One day I hope to have an actual bear challenge him to to a game of Catan. Tempers will no doubt flare and what began as a quiet evening of trading ore for wood would eventually spiral out of control into this.

Photograph “Catanian Nights” courtesy of Tyler Burke Studios © 2008

Power, Corruption & Lies

We all should have seen this coming. Blagojevich’s gubernatorial tenure, plagued by incompetence and lack of leadership, seemed almost destined for corruption charges of this magnitude. It was the kind of political douchebagery that was allowed to persist only because Blagojevich’s main rival in the 2006 election somehow achieved an even more extreme degree of buffoonery. In the end, much like the 1988 presidential election, it really came down to a choice between the lesser of two idiots.

Blagojevich’s inability to pass legislation and straighten out budgetary issues indirectly (or perhaps quite directly) led to my termination from my previous job over the summer, so, yeah, I harbor a little bit of resentment toward the man. It comes at great pains though since he is, after all, one of my people; a Serbian. Us Serbs should know well enough that we can’t be trusted. I mean, we were at the center of that fuckfest that kicked off World War I, and we all remember Slobo the Destroyer’s reign of terror. Granted, other nations have a sketchier history (*ahem* Germany), but us Serbs come across as far sneakier and conspiratorial, or maybe I’m just speaking from a personal perspective.

But I’m not here to disparage my own people or even myself and, in any case, it’s irrelevant to this situation. What is relevant is the shame he’s brought to a city that only months ago was at the center of the most historical election this nation had ever witnessed. Despite what some reports have indicated, the governor’s disgrace could additionally be a blow to our Olympic bid and has done countless harm to a city that already has a reputation for scandalous politics and disastrous conventions. Understandably, President-elect Obama has already called for Blagojevich’s resignation, but such a request has come too late to alleviate the damage completely and hopefully what ensues doesn’t end up drawing Obama into the fray. To make matters worse, our beloved governor has become the butt of Jon Stewart’s jokes as well (granted, it’s damn funny, but embarrassing to think that we elected this jackass). And here I thought the goodwill that Obama had spread this November had finally undone the damage the Blues Brothers and Superfans had done to cement this city’s reputation as uneducated slobs.

Still the biggest crime in all this is, and always will be, the hair. Dude, this isn’t the “old country” anymore, shit like this just isn’t the norm here. I know it seems counter intuitive at first, but have you ever considered not washing it on a daily basis (in addition to losing the whole blow-dry method)? Believe it or not, it actually gives your hair a softer appearance. It might do wonders for your upcoming trial. Take it from me, I used to have hair like this (the one on the right). Changing my style may not have improved my life, but it made me feel a lot sexier while undertaking all the evil shit I had been guilty of dabbling in throughout my college days. Give it a try, it might make it easier to convince everyone you’re innocent when you’re so clearly not.

Anyway, for now, we’ll just have to wait and see how this all develops. It should be interesting and, if nothing else, further solidify Rod’s standing as the worst governor in the entire U.S.